Four months later

there are still a lot of things to be accounted for....

the deciding day will arrive in 4 days when my fate for the next three months will be finalized...

there's a lot of things in my life i believe was never too bad.. nothing i ever regretted much.... but the event surrounding this has alwiz been the worst i've ever faced... personally

it's like my life is hanging by a balance just like the old malay saying... like an egg on a horn. seriously wtf... i find myself thinking about it whenever i'm driving.... seriously weird... even now i don't feel it that much. it's there but it's buried by the conscious thoughts and motor neurons which are busy firing synapses to each other....

but when i drive... it felt like as if the dam has been broken... it all pours out amidst the frequencies and waves from the stereo and the jumble of street lights + car plate numbers which zoom by =/ i guess driving IS becoming sort of like a 2nd naature to me.... [auto car only]. and just like foretold by my wise parents, driving is turning into a tuneless song to me =/

staying positive!!!!!! @@

it's gonna be cny soon

and there's gonna be various things happening...

1st up,
CNY!!! another year and another reunion, excuse to go home etc

2nd,
get to spend a bonus of a week in KL with family and friends XD woohoo....

3rd,
my brother finally has a new girlfriend. wow!!! wonder how it'll actually turn up hehe

4th
can't wait till i can start meeting up with my friends

5th
i wonder how i'm gonna spend most of my time at home now....

6th
gotta take more pix of trouble. the nigger's 20kg now... hope that now is it's max size.. 1 year old doggie. damn fun to hug. but the licks are getting annnoying and more sticky and wetter than it ever used to be... >.<

7th
various ppl are already probing and asking what job am i gonna take up soon... =.= quite frankly, i don't plan to take up a job very soon... not very keen on that. yeah. i'm spoiled that way. XD

looking forward to the days to come. and for once, this is a non-emo blog post XD

cryptic....

i guess that's how i will describe this blog. cryptic

it ain't interesting if i should actually describe the things that happen to me daily. that will sound like a report. i've seen plenty of life-reporter blogs and frankly, they fail to impress me unless there's really nice pictures inside. i know that i'd fail at that surely. obvious reasons.

a little bird once told me that ppl should have a balance of selflessness and selfishness.
the problem is.. where do you draw the line?
at times, i feel that i fall down to the selflessness side much more. downside to that is that u'll end up hurting urself. being selfish could work but at times i find that i couldn't do it that much as i've seen the effect it has on surrounding ppl.

at various points as well, u feel as if u want recognition and acknowledgement of the selflessness but at the end of the day, how selfless are you if you keep reminding ppl about how selfless u were? it's a big paradox i see in various ppl.

the line is very blur. or mayb i just set too high standards on self on these things.

as alwiz, my mind works in chaos. was intending to write about something else entirely but this came out. >.<

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About me

My mom thinks that i'm handsome
i don't really believe her (moms alwiz praise their own children anyway)

my kindergarden friends think that i'm an idiot
i smacked them with lego blocks to prove them wrong

my siblings think i'm the most rebellious and naughty in the household
i just think that i need to break the monotony in the household

my primary school friends thought that i was snobbish
i believe i carried my parent's dna gene of sarcasm

my parents' thought that music would be good for me
i'd just say that it affects a great deal of my life

my uni mates think that i have a scary face
i probably enjoy scaring them subconsciously

my high school friends thought me crazy to study in penang
i understand them now

my dog loves me
i know it just loves everyone

my lecturer says that i should smile more
i think i should smile when i feel like it

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COmplexes 2

Time for phase 2 of building complexes....

i guess this is the way i handle stress?? is this even stress?? it's weird....

and i find that these complex feelings manifests itself more whenever i'm doing work in the middle of the night and i get bored.... and start thinking of a lot of things. what i've done so far, how i'm wasting my potential and life in this place and what i could've done better....

these things don't happen when i'm around other ppl. well yeah, coz i don't see a need to be like that around other ppl. it's the concept of self i've learnt a long time ago...

"nobody can lift u out of depression or sadness unless u urself is willing to"

has alwiz been my core belief. i guess.

also could be because i have such jolly bunch of friends around that could distract enough. physically, through conversation and head-banging sessions ^^

songs are alwiz the best in bringing out and amplifying these weird feelings. strings and backup vocals are very powerful stuffs to draw out emotions and raise goosebumps.

currently listening to this song by mayday "unknown title" but repeats the words "ying wei you ni" in the chorus. good companion during complex moments ^^

2nd song highlighted currently is tanya chai's shuang qi dong wu

best not to have too much complexes!!!!! @.@

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Complexes

Shopping complex?
Lolita complex?

It ain't called complex for nothing. Coz it's not simple.
it's as simple as that.

What is complex?
The way i think, act and feel
it wasn't simple
i thought i was ok
but i was not
it was more complex than what i anticipated

sometimes u can c traits in other ppl but u can't c it that clearly in yerself.
it's hard to analyse urself when u're still going through the motions.
but when u wanted to do it, it's already over and done with.
A doctor can't diagnose him/herself eh? (probably good ones can)

comfort and cooling down comes from unexpected sources
it was perplexing but i won't go into detail about it
just knowing that it will work in the future is enough
i know it will. good service.

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bittersweet stuffs

bittersweet stuffs are stuffs that are made up of things that you enjoy and yet it brings back memories of loss and pain whenever evoked...

most notable of all are hearthaches... caused by the loss of loved ones [death] or probably lost love. [break-ups, cheated, too-late love or rejected love]. i've seen ppl who had been affected by hearthaches... the damages are powerful at times at epic proportions that it warrants a great song written about... i guess that's why most good songs are alwiz about break-ups and loss love coz a lot of people can relate to it. these things are almost universal.

the sad things is, it's not universal that everyone can actually become immune to the pain of these hearthaches. at times it leads them to do illogical and irrational things. specimen A was and still is a good example. specimen A really has my pity. i hope he'll be well. really do hope so. unrequited love is tough. i understand. decisions are alwiz the path-splitter. there's no save and load button in real life. what's done is done. never regret your decision after doing it. despair, be sad, cry over it and move on but never linger. coz if you do, it'll just eat away at you. it's a life-learning process. repeat and rinse.

infatuation is weird at times. it can pop out from nowhere. it can wreck u emotionally. especially vulnerable ppl are those who are normally loners who lack interaction with the opposite sex. i have this problem. still bothers me at times. not good. doesn't help. dissapointment pops out at times. i'm good at hiding them but it rears it's head at times. it's sad at times. it's tough at times. it's traumatizing at times.

solace comes in? friends, food, songs, games and sleep. always thankful for all of these. alwiz wish that i've never ended up in this place. the past 4 years has seen the worst part of me emotionally [not just in terms of infatuations] and i really don't wish for it to affect me for the rest of my life. truly think that it has.. just please not by a LARGE magnitude

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